Making the bed may fall under the “daily routines/tasks” category, but, it is so much more than just making our (Hilary & I) bedroom look good. When I leave in the morning before Hilary, which is fairly rare, she will make the bed. When this happens, it means, “Mikey I love you, and I will give you a break because I know you hate this.” But, when I make the bed, which is most of the time, it means, “Hilary, you are more important to me than any selfish stupid frustration I may have towards making the bed. I love you, and I respect you so much.”
Cooking dinner is something Hilary and I discussed way before we got married. She knows that it is important to me, I had a mom who always took pride in dinner, and it actually became important to me. When Hilary cooks dinner for me, it is almost an “intimacy expression,” because there is a deeper connection with dinner. She never cooked for herself before we got married, and now she does it for me, and she does it really well. I get deep satisfaction from it, and she does as well. I even remember one dinner she asked me, “so what do you think?” The meal was excellent and she did an amazing job, I just honestly conveyed that to her. I was slightly taken back by her response, she said, “You have no idea how good that makes me feel when you tell me how good of a job I did with the meal.” It’s a beautiful thing when we both collectively take away positive impacts from couple rituals.
Relational Currencies:
The Library: Since we have been married, and Blake (Hil’s younger brother) moved to Fort Wayne, I have had an opportunity to watch a relational currency unfold between them. It is not an overt act, and it took a little bit of interpretation at first, but then it became so clear. Hilary kept going to the library with Blake, each time they went she would come home and tell me, “You know, Blake and I just had the best time together, we had some awesome conversation.” Blake is a very introverted individual and doesn’t talk about life’s events. BUT, when they go to the library together, it is time to talk. I’ve noticed this unfold. At times, when Blake is just not in the mood to enter into a more revealing mode, he will decline Hil’s offer to go to the library, but when he feels like talking, he will quickly respond and they will go.
Nonverbal: When Hilary comes home from work and she doesn’t make eye contact with me right away, or she is more up tight in how she carries herself, I know there is a problem. The problem could be something that happened at her job, or it could be something in her head, an outside source, or something between us. But, when I notice the lack of eye contact or can sense something in her body language, this tells me, “something is not right.” She wants me to address it, sometimes I do a great job of addressing it, and other times I am too aggressive in attempting to “figure it out,” because all she really wanted was to express to me that she was in some sort of ‘funk.’
Awareness:
The Library: I believe that Hilary is very aware of what “going to the library” means, and can lead to. With respect to Blake, I think he knows that it is okay to talk at the library, but does not interact with the concept of the library being a direct connection to depth and openness in his communication with Hilary. So, I think I would have to say that there is not a shared meaning in the currency of this act. It is mostly one-sided. I just haven’t seen enough conscious awareness from Blake to think it is equally shared.
Nonverbal: I know that there is definitely a shared meaning in our currency of nonverbal behavior from Hilary. She knows I will react, and I know it means something is going on. It wouldn’t ever escape me, and I wouldn’t ever ‘not notice it.’ How I respond to it may slightly change based on how big of a deal I saw it as being, but essentially we are both on the same page. And it isn’t a matter of poor communication; it is about her desiring to feel cared about and noticed by me. It is actually a great opportunity for me to love her, and for her to be loved. Thankfully though, it doesn’t happen very often. ;-)
Reaction Question
I chose to look at Matt Taylor's ritual of asking his family members how their day went. At first when I looked at how he explained this, I initially thought, "that's not really that big of a deal, it is a question people ask each other all the time." But, then I got to thinking about it. I believe there may be some depth do this. Because it honestly does show concern and love I believe, to honestly take the time every time you see your family member to ask how their day went, or is going. I love this ritual of taking an active role in the lives of the people you love. It is such a simple act, yet, with consistency and honesty, it can really show love and allow for deeper connection to take place.
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