Family Maintenance

Rituals:
Making the bed may fall under the “daily routines/tasks” category, but, it is so much more than just making our (Hilary & I) bedroom look good. When I leave in the morning before Hilary, which is fairly rare, she will make the bed. When this happens, it means, “Mikey I love you, and I will give you a break because I know you hate this.” But, when I make the bed, which is most of the time, it means, “Hilary, you are more important to me than any selfish stupid frustration I may have towards making the bed. I love you, and I respect you so much.”

Cooking dinner is something Hilary and I discussed way before we got married. She knows that it is important to me, I had a mom who always took pride in dinner, and it actually became important to me. When Hilary cooks dinner for me, it is almost an “intimacy expression,” because there is a deeper connection with dinner. She never cooked for herself before we got married, and now she does it for me, and she does it really well. I get deep satisfaction from it, and she does as well. I even remember one dinner she asked me, “so what do you think?” The meal was excellent and she did an amazing job, I just honestly conveyed that to her. I was slightly taken back by her response, she said, “You have no idea how good that makes me feel when you tell me how good of a job I did with the meal.” It’s a beautiful thing when we both collectively take away positive impacts from couple rituals.

Relational Currencies:
The Library: Since we have been married, and Blake (Hil’s younger brother) moved to Fort Wayne, I have had an opportunity to watch a relational currency unfold between them. It is not an overt act, and it took a little bit of interpretation at first, but then it became so clear. Hilary kept going to the library with Blake, each time they went she would come home and tell me, “You know, Blake and I just had the best time together, we had some awesome conversation.” Blake is a very introverted individual and doesn’t talk about life’s events. BUT, when they go to the library together, it is time to talk. I’ve noticed this unfold. At times, when Blake is just not in the mood to enter into a more revealing mode, he will decline Hil’s offer to go to the library, but when he feels like talking, he will quickly respond and they will go.

Nonverbal: When Hilary comes home from work and she doesn’t make eye contact with me right away, or she is more up tight in how she carries herself, I know there is a problem. The problem could be something that happened at her job, or it could be something in her head, an outside source, or something between us. But, when I notice the lack of eye contact or can sense something in her body language, this tells me, “something is not right.” She wants me to address it, sometimes I do a great job of addressing it, and other times I am too aggressive in attempting to “figure it out,” because all she really wanted was to express to me that she was in some sort of ‘funk.’

Awareness:
The Library: I believe that Hilary is very aware of what “going to the library” means, and can lead to. With respect to Blake, I think he knows that it is okay to talk at the library, but does not interact with the concept of the library being a direct connection to depth and openness in his communication with Hilary. So, I think I would have to say that there is not a shared meaning in the currency of this act. It is mostly one-sided. I just haven’t seen enough conscious awareness from Blake to think it is equally shared.

Nonverbal: I know that there is definitely a shared meaning in our currency of nonverbal behavior from Hilary. She knows I will react, and I know it means something is going on. It wouldn’t ever escape me, and I wouldn’t ever ‘not notice it.’ How I respond to it may slightly change based on how big of a deal I saw it as being, but essentially we are both on the same page. And it isn’t a matter of poor communication; it is about her desiring to feel cared about and noticed by me. It is actually a great opportunity for me to love her, and for her to be loved. Thankfully though, it doesn’t happen very often. ;-)

Reaction Question

I chose to look at Matt Taylor's ritual of asking his family members how their day went. At first when I looked at how he explained this, I initially thought, "that's not really that big of a deal, it is a question people ask each other all the time." But, then I got to thinking about it. I believe there may be some depth do this. Because it honestly does show concern and love I believe, to honestly take the time every time you see your family member to ask how their day went, or is going. I love this ritual of taking an active role in the lives of the people you love. It is such a simple act, yet, with consistency and honesty, it can really show love and allow for deeper connection to take place.

initial PROJECT

responding to N.Y. Times Article and Peer webpages

1.) My definition of a family: “A family is a group of individuals who consistently interact in each other’s lives, who serve as a support system and benefit in some way by going through life together.”

2.) What makes a family is completely contingent on who specific individuals are interacting with on a regular basis. The boundaries for Laura and Jennifer, when they were younger, were formed by their connectedness as sisters. As they formed their new families and became even more interconnected, their relationship changed. The boundaries are now based on the decision that Laura is Mallory’s mother, and Jennifer is her aunt. However, when the children are at home, sometimes Jamison calls Mallory his sister, but at school she is his cousin. Through the lens of the systems perspective, this changing of names within different environments is explained through the idea of calibration. Jamison recognizes that at home it is okay to call Mallory his sister, but the boundary has been set that while he is at school, she ought to be called his cousin. The family has adjusted to it, and boundary ‘norm’ is set in place. At the end of the article, we can see how the little kindergartner boy stood up for the fact that he had a sister, thereby ‘reflecting’ or better yet, reinforcing the boundary his mother must have set regarding his sperm donor. This shows how just speaking about certain topics and/or ideas can start to form family boundaries. When I look at fellow student, Camie Purvis’s understanding of boundaries is that they are formed by the parent’s. I agree with this to an extent, the only thing I would add is that as well as parent’s serving as boundary formers, the narrative aspect pops into my mind again. Even if children just talk about things amongst themselves, let’s say for instance, at school during recess. They will eventually start to grasp ideas from other children. Now, boundaries could start to form based simply on hearing other narratives from other children.

3.) When I want to understand what happens when definitions of families clash, I try to look at it with the systems perspective of equifinality. I think this is essential in trying to understand that it is okay when definitions clash. When I look at the webpage my classmate Stacy Rhodes posted, I clearly see that her definition of family says, “[a]n alliance formed generally by blood.” Right away I disagree with her on several different levels. First, for me personally; my sister and I are both adopted. There is no blood between us or our parent’s. Yet we are very much a family. And in the article, Sue and Bob Battel have naturally conceived children, sperm donor children, AND adopted children. Yet, they still very much consider themselves a family. While I disagree with Stacy’s definition of family, I can also see that equifinality teaches us that a particular final state, or in this case a family, can be achieved from many different starting points. And with regard to Ms. Williams & Ms. Ashmore, it helps me to look through the broad lens of relational dialectics when I am trying to understand the struggle they went through in trying to come to an understanding on how they would talk about their children’s relationship to one another. In chapter 3, relational dialectical theory clearly shows us that it is out of the struggle of opposing discourses (the two sisters not knowing how to explain their children’s relationship) that meanings emerge. It is the struggle that eventually brought the idea that it is okay to call each other brother and sister in the home, but not okay out in public; this is referred to as segmentation under the relational dialectical theory.

Continuums of Cohesion & Flexibility scale

(Click to enlarge scale)

You can see by my A - B arrow that I have placed my family in the upper-right quadrant. My reasoning for this is because as a newly married couple, we have just experienced untold amounts of stress and insanity during the weeks/months leading up to the wedding, and especially the 3 days right before our big day!! Our 'point A' signifies a more chaotic and crazy existence, but as time has moved past the wedding day, we have come back towards a healthier and more connected reality.

I would consider my family to be functioning in a healthy manner in this specific quadrant. The reasoning is because, even when times got completely crazy and stress was at a maximum, we still were sure of what we were doing and for the love that we share with each other.

Communication is one of, if not the most important role in keeping our family in our current, healthy quadrant. Hilary and I have to talk to each other about things that are going on, and we have to share struggles as well as positive things with and to each other.

REACTION QUESTION:

I am looking at Kira Zabolotney's Cohesion-Flexibility family placement on the scale. She said she would place her family in the lower right hand quadrant. I do not believe my family could function in this quadrant for the simple fact that we have to adapt to each other all the time. Last night was the perfect example. Hilary and I talked about how she is a planner and I have the tendency to just act on my gut instinct. If I did not adapt to Hilary and she did not adapt to me, we would both get very frustrated with how the other functions. Adaptability is a must, so Hilary and I just couldn't function in a healthier manner in the lower more rigid quadrant.

Narrative Theory

In the past, when Hilary (my wife) gets off work, she sometimes is quick to tell me about what went on during her day. She doesn’t simply tell me the content of her message, for example, “we had a lot of jobs come in and it was stressful,” rather, she tells me the story of her day. She uses hand gestures, facial expressions, and other nonverbal cues when she tells me about her day. She is passionate when she tells me about her day, sometimes raising her voice or changing her tone.

I know Hilary is a good story teller because her stories are always cohesive and easy to follow; she tells them for a specific reason, or to help me understand something exciting or difficult during her day. Her stories also display fidelity, or seem truthful because everything is consistent and reliable.

If I wanted to take this one step further, I could analyze the types of stories Hilary chooses to tell me about her work, in order that I might understand either what is important to her or what is having the greatest impact on her at work. This is really important for me to try to do because she works full time, and it is important for me to understand what impacts her. If I can utilize the narrative theory/performance theory in order to better understand my wife and her life at work, then it would act as a huge benefit in our marriage.

REACTION QUESTION:

I am choosing to look at Jennifer Garcia's definition of family. Which is,

"A family is the person or people that will nurture you while you grow, teach you life's lessons, then watch you fly on your own. They guide you throughout your life and love you unconditionally. They make your life richer because they are in it. The bonding love you share is your greatest gift to each other."

I like this definition, but I have a slight tendency to disagree with the last sentence that talks about 'the bonding love you share is your greatest gift.' Sometimes, within a family, it isn't necessairly "LOVE" that is the greatest gift, for instance, my dad loves me a whole lot. He is an amazing man, BUT, that is not his greatest gift to me. He is insanely consistent and wise and that is his greatest gift to me. As I brainstorm many other families off the top of my head, I am thinking that there must be many members of a family whose greatest gift may very well differ from LOVE.

What is a family?

My definition of family:

A family is a group of individuals who consistently interact in each others lives, who serve as a support system and benefit in some way by going through life together.