Heath-Related Messages/Behavoirs

• One way in which my family discusses health-related issues is actually with me. Between my wife and I, we have to have very open and intentional communication pertaining to my individual health. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was 18 years old, and even though my M/S symptoms have been in remission for quite some time (due to the medication I am currently on), my wife and I have a very open understanding towards how we talk about it. I must communicate honestly and specifically about any health-issue that may come up with her right away. She has to trust that I am not ignoring any symptoms for her own mental health (not worrying about me, etc.) as well as my physical health (so that I don't ignore or belittle any change in my health). This type of communication is referred to as "HIGH EXPRESSIVENESS."

• Another factor that impacts my family is the way in which my wife and I communicate about any type of issue. This is so essential to health because the text defines "unhappily married persons as being generally less healthy than those who are unmarried." I think this is important because my wife and I deal with issues right away because we want to have the type of marriage that prolongs our lives together, rather than take away. When we have an issue, like we did the other day. We deal with it right away. Hilary was bothered because I was making plans without first checking with her. This bothered her because I was only thinking about my schedule, rather than "OUR" schedule. While directly this isn't a health-related issue, it could become one if it was left unattended. If it festered inside of her, it could lead to stress or negative feelings towards me.
  

• The last example I would like to comment on with regard to health-related messages would be with respect to my brother-in-law Blake who lives just 1 block away. Blake moved to Fort Wayne right after Hilary & I got married in August. One of the main motivators for Blake moving was to get away from many of the negative influences that he had on him in his small town. Drugs, alcohol, and high-risk living were prevalent in the typical weekend for Blake back home with his friends. Since it was such a quick change, it wouldn't have been realistic for Hilary and I to expect it to just immediately STOP. As I discussed in my last posting, we recently ran into an issue or a "relapse" with Blake. However, Hilary and I do not see the "no-tolerance" strategy as one that would have been effective and supportive for what Blake is trying to accomplish in his life. Hilary & I are consistent with having "on-going" communication with Blake about where he is at, how struggles are effecting him, etc. We are also use extremely encouraging communication with him with respect to the addiction classes he choose to be a part of called, CELEBRATE RECOVERY. If we would have administered the "no-tolerance" type of behavior with Blake, he wouldn't have been able to get to the place in where he is currently at, which is extremely proactive and positive.

DIGITAL ISSUES: The way in which my family deals with the digital age is that when we are together, we do not utilize our phones. Especially when we are on "DATE NIGHT," which is typically on Saturdays and Thursdays, we make a huge effort to not use our phones to talk to other people. We want to stay focused on each other, so that we are the main focus. It communicates importance and love.

REACTION QUESTION:
For this reaction question I looked at Talena Knight's web page. It is interesting because Talena's family has a totally different situation than my family. She has a younger child (age 10) in her family; her son. She has to deal with his limited internet use, and the fact that he is really wanting a cell phone. She feels that this is causing a rift in their relationship because he may be having the mind set that Talena doesn't trust him. When in actuality, Talena is just trying to protect him from the dangers of the internet, and trying to prevent him from getting into the world of "cell phones" too early. She also doesn't think it's necessary for him to have one this young. When I contrast this with my family, we (my wife, myself, and my brother-in-law) are all so established in our technology, that there is no way it could really be limited like Talena has to do with her son. This is very interesting. My family, however, is going to be having to deal with this issue eventually when we have children. And probably, once they are old enough to need a cell phone, there will be a whole new world of issues.

FAMILY STRESSOR

The medium stressor that my family has just recently gone through happened just last week. This incident involved Blake, my brother-in-law. I am on Adderall, a medication prescribed for ADD/ADHD. I have been on it forever, and just don’t even think about the fact that some people abuse it. Blake’s main reason for moving to Fort Wayne from Iowa was to leave behind his past. His past, meaning drinking and a lot of other high-risk behaviors. What happened was Hilary and I noticed that the level of pills in our medicine cabinet was dropping rapidly, one morning I finally said something, and we both immediately recognized that Blake had to be stealing them.

1.) Blake’s individual time, or chronological age doesn’t really have much impact on this incident. There was a great disrupt in generational time for Hilary & I because we have been Blake’s main supporters since he moved to Fort Wayne. We have been helping and giving him all the tools he needs to succeed. It made us feel as though our generational time was meaningless. And lastly, the historical time was greatly impacted because these first months of Hilary and I’s marriage as well as Blake moving to Fort Wayne “COULD” always be remembered as the time when Blake stole from me after I did everything for him.

2.) We experienced vertical stressors through this incident. We experienced Blake’s past of drug abuse that lead him to steal the pills. Also, we are experiencing the current situation of Blake getting help for his problems.

3.) We experienced three of the four stages of family crisis. First we experienced the stage of SHOCK. We experienced this when Hilary and I both realized what had happened. We were in denial, and tried to even think of other possibilities that could explain for the missing pills. We really just did not want to accept what had happened. Next we experienced RECOIL when I was extremely hurt and angered by the fact that he stole from me. I took it very personally and was pissed that he disrespected me and everything I had done for him. I honestly realized that I would do anything for him and he took from me. It really angered me, and I realized that Hilary had to be the one to approach him about it because I was too upset to do it. We did not really experience the DEPRESSION stage due to the fact that we didn’t linger on the issue. Hilary talked to him about it halfway through the very day we realized what had happened. We experienced the REORGANIZATION stage when Hilary and I talked about how we were going to deal with this issue. We both said that we were going to explain to him that what he did deeply hurt us, but because we love him and see a lot of power in unconditional love, we would forgive him. We accepted what had happened, and a little less than a week later, Blake approached me, apologized, and we (all three of us) were all able to talk about the issue in-depth to find closure. Hilary and I are deeply rooted in Christ, and we wanted to show Blake the love that Christ shows us. So, the decision to forgive him was automatic. It is amazing how he responded, because he has never really experienced someone reacting that way to him before.

4.) Hilary and I are experiencing LEVEL III strategies of coping. We both firmly believe that Christ calls his people to him. We see a strong movement in Blake, and we trust that He (God/Christ) will continue this movement in him. We have shifted our focus from being on the theft, to the work that God is doing in us (such as softening our hearts and allowing us to truly forgive and forget what happened) as well as in Blake (recognizing that what he did hurt us, but we are choosing to forgive him because of our love for the Lord). This is a very abstract concept to an individual who doesn’t understand Faith and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, but to us, it is a no-brainer. That doesn’t mean that it is completely simple, but it is very satisfying.

REACTION QUESTION: I looked at Stacy Rhodes stressful situation of her ex-husband (Brian) and his drinking problem. This is a HUGE stressor that has been impacting their family for their whole lives. Brian's drinking problem impacts their individual time in a big way, because when the children were young (ages of 8 & 10) they were first made aware of what was going on. They understood in some fashion that their dad had some kind of problem. As they grew older, the alcoholism continued to impact their individual time because each year they would have added more and more to the stress of the situation. The greater of impact would have come towards their generational time. They no longer had "family time" persay, because their father was so removed with his alcohol problem. Their generational time was marked by dealing with their fathers problem and not having him in their life. One serious historical time would have been when the kids were with Brian in his vehicle when he got his first DUI. This would have marked a big moment where a lot of changes would have had to come into effect. All the different times play a part in shaping the lives of those who are dealing with Brian's alcohol issue. For the kids, who are now 20 and 22, how they deal with their fathers drinking would be much different than when they were younger. When they were younger, they may have just tried to wish away the drinking, and hoped that he would fix himself. Now, Stacy said they are essentially waiting for him to drink himself to death. This is a huge change in psychological mindsets. It is almost like the kids would have to let go of their father's ability to change, in order to just deal with the situation in front of them. Their very difficult generational time, which would have pointed to soo many disappointments would be a huge motivator in this change of mentality.