It's happening again

I can feel it coming on again. I hate it, I usually wouldn't want to recognize it as a problem, but I have been down that road before, and I know it's nothing to mess with. I can see and feel the symptoms of depression coming on again. Maybe the environment I have been in lately has pushed it out. I know what it stems from, because it has hit me hard before. One of the biggest side effects of AVONEX is depression. I know my body well, and I am sure of what I feel. I can see it coming on by the physical signs; weight gain, appetite, foul attitude towards certain people or activities. I can feel it coming on by the way I think, I lay around and feel sorry for myself which is not part of my normal personality. Like I said, I have been down this road before, and was prescribed several Anti-Depressants until we (my doc. & I) felt we found one that was working to help the problem areas. The only thing is this, that is foolish and doesn't help. I do believe that Anti-Depressants have their place, especially with people who are born with a chemical imbalance. But that is not my situation, for me a foreign chemical is causing that imbalance...the AVONEX. So my heart tells me to stop the AVONEX and see what the Stem Cells will do with out it's so called "help." Ughhh, here comes the hard part though. The Indiana Center for Multiple Sclerosis would not approve of this action. The only thing that is keeping me from discontinuing my AVONEX right now is the fact that I don't understand why the depression came back. I have been off the Prozac for a long time. I haven't even felt these feelings for quite some time, shit this sucks. I feel like when I have a job, and a goal, life is simplified. I don't have so much time on my hands to think and make things so complicated.

What to do......

What to do......

Tomorrow I think I am going to call the Indiana Center for M/S and tell them what I want to do, and ask them the best way for me to come off of the AVONEX. I know one thing though, going on Prozac or some other drug is not an option. If I can take care of this before it becomes a problem, maybe things will level off quick. BUT, the problem is.....I have to ask myself, "what if the Avonex is doing it's job?" after I ask myself that, I remember that I have had multiple exacerbations while on the drug.......

what to do.......

a case of the Monday's, naw.....

Today I woke up and had to get my barings on where exactly I was. It only took a second for me to realize I was back in my bed in my room. Later on, I mosied on down stairs. No one was home, so I made a pizza and started watching some T.V., well then my mom came home with my grandma and grandpa, reminded me that my Grandpa had a colonoscopy done at the VA hospital. She told me that because they put him under, he couldn't drive home. It's maybe an hour and 15 minute drive home. So, this is what happened. First thing we had to do was take the pop up camper back to where we store it at, then my mom wanted me to drive my grandma in her car to the high way that takes them all the way home. She didn't want my grandmother driving. My grandmother has parkinson's disease, and I see it getting worse in her. Stealing her youth from her. Her arms shake, and sometimes she just doesn't feel too hot. Diseases of the CNS (Central Nervous System) are rough, and not to be taken lightly. I do love the conversations my grandma and I get to have though. We are, and have always been pretty much on the same level. We see a lot of things eye to eye, even though I am much taller than her. I love my grandparents.

This was at the rest stop we went to. I drove in my grandparents car with my grandmother, and my mom was in the van with my grandpa.

For the rest of the day, Chris picked me up and we went to Tony and Josh's house. Hung out with them for a while, then went back to Chris's, my friends Nate & Evan came over. Then Nate took me home. :-)

I'M BACK!

So, the trip to St. Louis was great. We actually stayed with Andy's Aunt in Belleville, IL. It is right next to St. Louis, so it is easier to say the bigger city, you know how that is. 5 1/2 hour drive to get there, but is was good fun with my buddy Andy. Once we got there we passed out. The next day we did some things with his Aunt and his Cousin and her son. It was all good fun, then Andy got a chance to show me around the towns he spent like 6 or 7 months at. Ya see, Andy got kicked out of the High School here in town (Fort Wayne) and his parents decided to send him to live with his Aunt and Uncle. He drove 40 min every day to a small christian high school where he eventually graduated from. Well, he made many friends and our mission on this trip was to go to a gragduation party for one of his lady friends (Mary). We did and it was fun. Then we hit up some local parties, where he got to mingle with old friends, and I got to be around PEOPLE! HORRAY!

This was Andy's Aunt's dog "Skeeter," skeeter was a good lil weiner dog. Most of the trip was boring and not very scenic. Out where the grad party was looked like this. It was madly beautiful, and was cool. This was a lame picture I took at the grad party. It doesn't show anything cool, andmakes it look really boring and stupid. There were tons of people there, and amazing amounts of really good food. I just took a stupid picture of parents in lawn chairs for some reason. This was on of the "after parties" we went to. There was music, lights, dancing, hay, bla bla bla...

The final day, TODAY, I got to go see the Mississippi river, and see the St. Louis Arch. Above is a jamming picture of the great river. I saw some pretty awesome casino boats on there. Then, of course my favorite part. The Arch. Did you know that the Arch is the tallest national monument in the United States at 630 feet. Ohh, you do now.

It was a good trip, like any trip where I get to leave this city and state I have spent my whole life kept up in is. I do love getting away. Hummm......

I saw a rainbow today.

Today was pretty slow. I did a good job watering the grass, after I got the sprinklers set up, I would sit on the grass and watch them for a while.........then go inside and forget they were on. Watch some television, get bord, then get on the computer and write E-Mails. I am loving it, I just wish I could figuer out a way to get paid..........I will have to brain storm on that one. I did find out why I haven't been called in for an interview at the Bakery though. Turns out the guy who hires and fires people had a death in his family, his father. So, this whole time(week and a half) I thought I was getting the cold shoulder, and only thinking of myself, turns out he had something really difficult happen in his life. Do I feel selfish. Well, towards late afternoon, my buddy Andy picked me up. When we were en-route to pick up some pizza, we saw this.It was so huge I couldn't capture the whole thing on my screen from where we were sitting. But it was definately a half circle and it was really clear colors. Isn't it good luck to see a rainbow?

I dunno, after that I went back to Andy's for a bit. Where I played with Moose the cat. Moose is an outside cat, but it always comes home when it's hungry and isn't busy roughing up the local racoons and what not. Moose is a baller, love this cat. Yea, he is one cool dude.

Tomorrow I should be going to St. Louis with Andy. His lady friend is having her gradtuation party, and we are gonna go. It'll be real fun.

Did alright today.

Something happened this morning that kind of freaked me out. It was extremely odd, and I can't really explain it, I can only explain what happened. It was when I was taking a shower this morning at like 11:15AM, I had just got off the phone with my sister Merideth. I set my phone down on the sink counter and then shut the door to the bathroom. Then, I hopped in the shower. I would say about 5 minutes went by when I heard my phone ring, I remember this very clearly because I had shampoo in my hair, and I was actually thinking about jumping out to try to catch the call. THEN, my brain kicked in, and I decided to wait. Serioiusly, I heard this ringer plain as day. There was one thing though, now that I look back on it, every time my phone rings, and I miss a call, it makes a DING sound immediately after.........there was no ding. SO, I finished washing and dried off. I picked up my phone and looked to see who called.....................there was no missed call, nothing at all. In fact, when I looked to see who the last call was, it was my sister Merideth. Here is the thing I can't wrap my brain around. I have specialized ringers for certain people. When Merideth calls me the song Everybody hurts by R.E.M. plays. The song that is assigned to all other callers who do not have specialized ringers is the song I'm a king by 50 Cent and T.I. That is the song I heard when I was in the shower. I heard that ringer playing, I know I did. But, it's not possible..........it is very confusing.

After this strange event, I got on my computer and started answering E-Mails. I love doing that, people writing asking me questions about the stem cell treatment, about fund raising, about how I am doing. It is all very good, and I am so happy to be able to do it. I also talked to someone who got in contact with me before I went to China. His name is Carlos, he lives in Chicago. I have kind of agreed to help him get started with fund raising. He was involved in a car accident a 2 or 3 years back. Him, his wife, and his "at the time" 2 or 3 year old girl were traveling to I think...South Dakota, and he fell asleep at the wheel. Wife and daughter not hurt at all, he is paralyzed from the waist down with little movement in his hands and fingers. I want to help him, I have to try. I feel like I am suppose to.

So, through the rest of the day went a little something like this. My friend Nate Baldwin called me, and stopped over and chilled with me and Chris for a bit. We were outside the front of my house sitting on the hood of Nate's car, and the back of Chris's car, when my friend George Doublas drove by. He stopped by, and started talking with us too. Got us all up to date on everything that has been going on, it was good stuff.

Then, me and Chris went and saw Transformers! It was amazing, I advise anyone who likes a good movie to go see this. I was impressed. I took this picture with my phone. Yea, I took that picture in the theatre with my cell phone. Pretty rad, I know.

It is BLOG's like today's that will probably make me question my sanity when I look back on it some time in the future. I heard that phone ring, I will swear over a Bible.

happy B-Day for real this time ANDY!

Yeppers, Today my friend Andy turned 21. This is a big deal, because of all my super close knit friends, Andy is the first to turn 21. This is what I got him. I know it is super immature and kind of stupid, but hey.........whatever. I got him a singing B-Day card with a Beer on the front. When he opened it, there was a $50 certificate to S&V liquors. I thought it fit the occasion. lol. So, my day started off like this. Chris took me to the court house, and I got everything taken care of right away. I had $579 in court fee's, and $200 for alcohol classes. In reality, I got off pretty easy. Once I get the alcohol classes taken care of, I won't be on probation or anything.

As for "the rest of the story." Lately I have been feeling pretty down. I am pretty sure why I have been feeling this way also. It is something I have delt with before. The drug I am currently on to slow the MS is Avonex. If you click that LINK and read under WARNING! you will see what I am talking about. Avonex hit's me with this depression that is hard to explain. It is out of no where, usually started by life conditions. Maybe, not having a specific job, or task to do every day could be the reason. Maybe, I am just thinking to much lately. Maybe, the uncertainty of not knowing what is around the corner is the reason. I don't know that part, I just know that I have had really negative thoughts lately.

yo yo yo, had a lazy day today.

I laid around the house most of the day today. Kind of sucked, I really wish I had a job, so I could be saving up some money. Tomorrow I have court, it is also Andy's B-Day. I was at Andy's house when it struck midnight.

Happy 21st B-Day my homie!

Tomorrow I have my last court date. It will all be said and done...FINALLY!