FINAL PROJECT!!

1.) The text talks about one concept called Family Rituals. Family Rituals are defined as “a voluntary, recurring patterned communication event whose jointly enacted performance by family members pays homage to what they regard as sacred, thereby producing and reproducing a family’s identity and its web of social relations” (Galvin, Bylund, Brommel, p. 114). Dinnertime could be seen as a Family Ritual if the members consciously choose to consistently eat together and to create meaningful interactions. The text talks about how rituals can bring significant meaning to a family

2.) I have reviewed the subject of family dining practices in two different scholarly sources. First I looked at a 2006 study I found in the Journal of the AMERICAN DIETETIC ASSOCIATION called Adolescent and Parent Views of Family Meals. It looked at the impact of the family dinnertime both through the perspective of adolescents and parents. I was amazed at some of the results of the research. The study found that “the family meal time can be an opportune time for family role modeling of manners and eating habits” (Fulkerson & Neumark-Sztainer, 2006). It was interesting because in recording the data from adolescents and parents, “family meals are perceived as positive experiences by both adolescents and parents, although they differ in their perceptions of family meal frequency and the meal environment” (Fulkerson & Neumark-Sztainer, 2006). I was not expecting the youth to see family mealtime as important, but they saw significance in it. Also, “Younger adolescents were more likely than older adolescents to view family meals as a priority and report that they are expected to follow rules at mealtime, and older adolescents were more likely than younger adolescents to report scheduling and time barriers to family meals” (Fulkerson & Neumark-Sztainer, 2006). This data goes to support that in today’s culture time barriers become problematic. Activities in sports and extra curricular activities are taking the youth away from family dinnertime. Secondly, I looked at a 2003 study I found in the Journal Of Adolescence called The Relationship Between Frequency of Family Dinner and Adolescent Problem Behaviors After Adjusting for Other Family Characteristics. What I found in this research was that the more often kids were at the dinner table with parents, the less likely they were to participate in high-risk behavior (Sen, 2003). Now, Sen did recognize that this could have been due to the extra interpersonal communication that takes place at the dinner table, but other positive effects were also correlated to a consistent dinnertime. There were many interesting findings, but one specifically was that consistent dinnertime experiences was more appreciative to adolescent males than females, I found this to be true in my observations. To sum up both of these articles, I found that dinnertime has proved to be significant in the eyes of the kids and parents. It is a time where family norms are created and good behavior is modeled.

3.) The family I chose to observe was Brad and Theresa Basham. My wife and I know them through an organization I work for. They have invited us over multiple times to have dinner with them and their two high school daughters. One girl is a sophomore and the other is a senior. I chose this family to observe because they seem like an “average” family with caring parents and normal, active teenaged children. I am also familiar with the family, so I knew my presence would not hinder how they acted on a regular basis. I recognized that both of the girls connected with their mom, on some level. Also, I would like to note that these parents go out of their way to be involved in the lives of their girls. The younger girl, Hannah, does not connect with her father at all. He tries to bridge relational divides all the time; he does things like attempt to talk about issues he thinks she would be interested in and talks about topics that are relevant to her. On the several occasions I have been invited over for dinner, Hannah has turned him down. My wife has talked to her about this, and she even recognizes that she intentionally ignores her dad. She fully recognizes that she just doesn’t connect with him, for whatever reason. This goes to support the findings in Sen’s research. Girls are much harder to connect with in their adolescence years than boys. Even though the girls did not connect with their dad very well, they still saw dinnertime as important. Their eating habits were also really healthy for teen girls. This really goes to support both research articles I read.

4.) I think the information that I found most interesting in the research articles was why family meals might be beneficial to adolescents. These include providing family identity, order and consistency, and enhancing familial communications and interactions. I just think there is so much legitimacy to this idea of consistency. In my own personal experience with high school teens, consistency is one of the most important aspects of trust associated to teens. It shows them that they have worth, and that they are being sought after. This is accomplished in a big way during the family mealtime.

Second Part.) I think it is overwhelmingly obvious in both the research articles, book, and observation that when families consistently spend time together, it is beneficial. Even though Hannah does not connect with her dad well, I believe that her spending time with her family at dinner, for the majority of the week has a huge impact on her. I believe it teaches her that she is cared for and loved, without ever saying that to her directly. The message is clearly communicated through consistency, and her dad's attempts to conversate about her life. Meaning if found while engaging in activities over and over. For instance, if I always sang when I got into my car, a cognitive impression would be formed about riding in my car. If I always sang up-beat music with a positive message, I would start to form that type of thinking towards riding in the car. Similarly, when the Basham's sit down for dinner consistently, multiple times every week, they are all forming impressions about who their family is, and about what is most important, whether they recognize it or not. Spending time with each other during dinner is extremely important. I think that one big concept that I can take away from the research I found and the observation I did about family communication is that you can communicate a lot to your family members by just showing up and spending time together. A positive attitude and presence goes a long way. If you added some healthy conversation to the mix, it would only go to further enhance the mealtime experience.

Heath-Related Messages/Behavoirs

• One way in which my family discusses health-related issues is actually with me. Between my wife and I, we have to have very open and intentional communication pertaining to my individual health. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I was 18 years old, and even though my M/S symptoms have been in remission for quite some time (due to the medication I am currently on), my wife and I have a very open understanding towards how we talk about it. I must communicate honestly and specifically about any health-issue that may come up with her right away. She has to trust that I am not ignoring any symptoms for her own mental health (not worrying about me, etc.) as well as my physical health (so that I don't ignore or belittle any change in my health). This type of communication is referred to as "HIGH EXPRESSIVENESS."

• Another factor that impacts my family is the way in which my wife and I communicate about any type of issue. This is so essential to health because the text defines "unhappily married persons as being generally less healthy than those who are unmarried." I think this is important because my wife and I deal with issues right away because we want to have the type of marriage that prolongs our lives together, rather than take away. When we have an issue, like we did the other day. We deal with it right away. Hilary was bothered because I was making plans without first checking with her. This bothered her because I was only thinking about my schedule, rather than "OUR" schedule. While directly this isn't a health-related issue, it could become one if it was left unattended. If it festered inside of her, it could lead to stress or negative feelings towards me.
  

• The last example I would like to comment on with regard to health-related messages would be with respect to my brother-in-law Blake who lives just 1 block away. Blake moved to Fort Wayne right after Hilary & I got married in August. One of the main motivators for Blake moving was to get away from many of the negative influences that he had on him in his small town. Drugs, alcohol, and high-risk living were prevalent in the typical weekend for Blake back home with his friends. Since it was such a quick change, it wouldn't have been realistic for Hilary and I to expect it to just immediately STOP. As I discussed in my last posting, we recently ran into an issue or a "relapse" with Blake. However, Hilary and I do not see the "no-tolerance" strategy as one that would have been effective and supportive for what Blake is trying to accomplish in his life. Hilary & I are consistent with having "on-going" communication with Blake about where he is at, how struggles are effecting him, etc. We are also use extremely encouraging communication with him with respect to the addiction classes he choose to be a part of called, CELEBRATE RECOVERY. If we would have administered the "no-tolerance" type of behavior with Blake, he wouldn't have been able to get to the place in where he is currently at, which is extremely proactive and positive.

DIGITAL ISSUES: The way in which my family deals with the digital age is that when we are together, we do not utilize our phones. Especially when we are on "DATE NIGHT," which is typically on Saturdays and Thursdays, we make a huge effort to not use our phones to talk to other people. We want to stay focused on each other, so that we are the main focus. It communicates importance and love.

REACTION QUESTION:
For this reaction question I looked at Talena Knight's web page. It is interesting because Talena's family has a totally different situation than my family. She has a younger child (age 10) in her family; her son. She has to deal with his limited internet use, and the fact that he is really wanting a cell phone. She feels that this is causing a rift in their relationship because he may be having the mind set that Talena doesn't trust him. When in actuality, Talena is just trying to protect him from the dangers of the internet, and trying to prevent him from getting into the world of "cell phones" too early. She also doesn't think it's necessary for him to have one this young. When I contrast this with my family, we (my wife, myself, and my brother-in-law) are all so established in our technology, that there is no way it could really be limited like Talena has to do with her son. This is very interesting. My family, however, is going to be having to deal with this issue eventually when we have children. And probably, once they are old enough to need a cell phone, there will be a whole new world of issues.

FAMILY STRESSOR

The medium stressor that my family has just recently gone through happened just last week. This incident involved Blake, my brother-in-law. I am on Adderall, a medication prescribed for ADD/ADHD. I have been on it forever, and just don’t even think about the fact that some people abuse it. Blake’s main reason for moving to Fort Wayne from Iowa was to leave behind his past. His past, meaning drinking and a lot of other high-risk behaviors. What happened was Hilary and I noticed that the level of pills in our medicine cabinet was dropping rapidly, one morning I finally said something, and we both immediately recognized that Blake had to be stealing them.

1.) Blake’s individual time, or chronological age doesn’t really have much impact on this incident. There was a great disrupt in generational time for Hilary & I because we have been Blake’s main supporters since he moved to Fort Wayne. We have been helping and giving him all the tools he needs to succeed. It made us feel as though our generational time was meaningless. And lastly, the historical time was greatly impacted because these first months of Hilary and I’s marriage as well as Blake moving to Fort Wayne “COULD” always be remembered as the time when Blake stole from me after I did everything for him.

2.) We experienced vertical stressors through this incident. We experienced Blake’s past of drug abuse that lead him to steal the pills. Also, we are experiencing the current situation of Blake getting help for his problems.

3.) We experienced three of the four stages of family crisis. First we experienced the stage of SHOCK. We experienced this when Hilary and I both realized what had happened. We were in denial, and tried to even think of other possibilities that could explain for the missing pills. We really just did not want to accept what had happened. Next we experienced RECOIL when I was extremely hurt and angered by the fact that he stole from me. I took it very personally and was pissed that he disrespected me and everything I had done for him. I honestly realized that I would do anything for him and he took from me. It really angered me, and I realized that Hilary had to be the one to approach him about it because I was too upset to do it. We did not really experience the DEPRESSION stage due to the fact that we didn’t linger on the issue. Hilary talked to him about it halfway through the very day we realized what had happened. We experienced the REORGANIZATION stage when Hilary and I talked about how we were going to deal with this issue. We both said that we were going to explain to him that what he did deeply hurt us, but because we love him and see a lot of power in unconditional love, we would forgive him. We accepted what had happened, and a little less than a week later, Blake approached me, apologized, and we (all three of us) were all able to talk about the issue in-depth to find closure. Hilary and I are deeply rooted in Christ, and we wanted to show Blake the love that Christ shows us. So, the decision to forgive him was automatic. It is amazing how he responded, because he has never really experienced someone reacting that way to him before.

4.) Hilary and I are experiencing LEVEL III strategies of coping. We both firmly believe that Christ calls his people to him. We see a strong movement in Blake, and we trust that He (God/Christ) will continue this movement in him. We have shifted our focus from being on the theft, to the work that God is doing in us (such as softening our hearts and allowing us to truly forgive and forget what happened) as well as in Blake (recognizing that what he did hurt us, but we are choosing to forgive him because of our love for the Lord). This is a very abstract concept to an individual who doesn’t understand Faith and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, but to us, it is a no-brainer. That doesn’t mean that it is completely simple, but it is very satisfying.

REACTION QUESTION: I looked at Stacy Rhodes stressful situation of her ex-husband (Brian) and his drinking problem. This is a HUGE stressor that has been impacting their family for their whole lives. Brian's drinking problem impacts their individual time in a big way, because when the children were young (ages of 8 & 10) they were first made aware of what was going on. They understood in some fashion that their dad had some kind of problem. As they grew older, the alcoholism continued to impact their individual time because each year they would have added more and more to the stress of the situation. The greater of impact would have come towards their generational time. They no longer had "family time" persay, because their father was so removed with his alcohol problem. Their generational time was marked by dealing with their fathers problem and not having him in their life. One serious historical time would have been when the kids were with Brian in his vehicle when he got his first DUI. This would have marked a big moment where a lot of changes would have had to come into effect. All the different times play a part in shaping the lives of those who are dealing with Brian's alcohol issue. For the kids, who are now 20 and 22, how they deal with their fathers drinking would be much different than when they were younger. When they were younger, they may have just tried to wish away the drinking, and hoped that he would fix himself. Now, Stacy said they are essentially waiting for him to drink himself to death. This is a huge change in psychological mindsets. It is almost like the kids would have to let go of their father's ability to change, in order to just deal with the situation in front of them. Their very difficult generational time, which would have pointed to soo many disappointments would be a huge motivator in this change of mentality.

Parent Interview Project

INTRO:

For this midterm I choose the parent interview project. I interviewed two seemingly different families who turned out to be not so different in the end. First I interviewed my own mother and father, Pat and Dianna Riley. Then, I interviewed my friend’s parents Greg and Tina Doublas.

PAT & DIANNA ‘s BACKGROUND:

My father, Patrick Riley, was born in Marion, Indiana and was raised from the age of five in South Bend, Indiana. He has one brother who is only a couple of years younger than him. He has his Masters degree in secondary education and has been teaching middle school for forty-one years. He still teaches at the age of sixty-three.

My mother, Dianna Riley was born and raised in Bremen, Indiana. She has five sisters and one brother, she is one of the middle children. She has her Bachlors of science in medical technology, but started and ran a catering business in the late 90’s for eleven years. She currently is utilizing her degree at REDI MED.

My parents have two adopted children; myself, 24 and my sister Merideth, 29. My mother was unable to have children, and after many miscarriages decided to adopt. I am married living with my wife and Merideth lives on her own as well. They are an average middle class family with respect to annual income and living conditions.

GREG & TINA’s BACKGROUND:

Greg Doublas was born and raised in city named Kalastra which is in Northern Greece. He lived there until his early twenties when he moved to America. He endured many hardships and saw a lot of changes happening around him after WWII. Greg has one brother and one sister. He has his Bachlors degree in accounting from a university in Chicago, and then received his MBA from St. Francis here in Fort Wayne.

Tina was born and raised in Florina, which is also a city in Northern Greece. She lived there until her late twenties, like Greg, but did not meet him until she moved to Chicago. Her family was impacted really hard by WWII, much like Greg’s. Tina received her Associates degree from a university in Chicago. She has three sisters and one brother still living.

Greg and Tina have two grown sons, Vaughn who is 32 and George, 25 as well as Kieren, 7 years old, who is Vaughn’s daughter which Greg and Tina have legal custody of. They are also an average middle class family with respect to annual income and living conditions.

MY FINDINGS

PAT & DIANNA:

Through these interviews I found that Pat and Dianna looked at the family unit as something that created the core of your support system and both saw unconditional love as having supreme importance. Pat focused more on the hierarchy of positions, and Dianna saw more of a blending approach to where everyone fit. This made sense and painted a picture of a communication system that often took very different forms. Pat explained that he would attempt to be the leader and take the disciplinary role; the book would define this as vertical communication. Dianna allowed for communication to be more equal among the family members, what the book would define as horizontal communication. I could sense a bit of regret with Dianna because of how she talked about my sister, she said under her breath at one point, “no matter how you try to communicate, you can never get it perfect or make decisions for your children.” She was referring to my sister who is living in a homosexual lifestyle.

I was really surprised at how similarly my parents responded to my questions. Both Pat and Dianna view our current living climate as one that is disturbing and heading in the wrong direction. They explained that the more families break away from how they were intended to be, (Father, Mother, and children living under one roof and in each other’s lives) the more dysfunction children would experience in their lives and eventually take into their families, which would eventually impact their culture.

Another thing I found very interesting was how Pat and Dianna spoke about communication. Every time I tried to get a specific definition, they would explain it more as an action than a verbal explanation. Pat even called effective communication, “showing what is important rather than saying it.” Looking back at my growing years, I see this was very much true. And Dianna surprised me by correlating a family to “the great American race, you never know what is going to happen next, you try to enjoy as much as possible, but also go with the flow when you get to the really challenging parts.”

GREG & TINA:

I was really shocked when I interviewed Greg & Tina because I intentionally choose them thinking they would have radically different views and explanations due to their upbringing and cultural differences. This was not the case. With respect to communication, it seemed that it was explained as something of extreme importance, but that something was lost in attempting to do it effectively. At one point, Greg explained that, “it is essential, but can only happen if everyone involved participates.” The book defines this idea as transactional communication, where everyone participates in order to effectively deliver the message, which is done through symbols. Greg, possibly because of his strict parents and Greek culture was always the figure head for the family, and demanded respect. It was not until later in his life that he realized that this was effectively done through sincerely connecting and respecting people.

When I was interviewing Greg and Tina, I felt like they kept realizing disappointments because they had expectations for children’s lives, and their own, which were never met. They also explained that the “stressors” in life were not necessarily the events or mistakes that happened, but it was more of an internal struggle, expectations not being met over time, and possibly happening because they placed too much of their own desires on their children.

CONCLUSION:

To wrap things up, I noticed that struggles and disappointments happened when expectations were not met. I believe that communication within a family is most effective when it is displayed, rather than spoken. And, the lesson I am going to take away from this is that when life throws a curve ball your way; which it probably will in some way, shape, or form, it is best to approach it with a level head and to not get to hysterical.

Family Analysis

1.) POWER BASES: My wife, yes, I chose to say whom I am using, has an autonomic power base. We very much share responsibilities, but in completely different areas. She is in charge of cooking, and dinner. I am in charge of making the vehicles are taken care of and the trash is taken out (she hates taking out the trash). The resources that are used are very much normative in nature. Not only does society kind of point to certain expectations that we both value, but those are actually what are important to us. Now, if we were both influenced by society, or if that is what is actually important to us, I couldn't say for sure. Maybe a little bit of both. Successful use of power is using what she is good at, and using it to positively impact me and my behavior.

2.) Our family is very much conversation oriented. With Hilary and I, as well as both of us with Blake, we always talk things out. If there is an issue, or even a hint of an issue in the eyes of the other family member, the question will always be raised, "is something wrong?" What happens after that question is thrown out is proof that our family is very much conversation oriented. We talk about everything, the good, bad, and ugly. Everything is brought to the metaphorical "table" to be talked about. I find this to be extremely successful because my family does not hold things back, if there is an issue, we will talk it through until all involved feel good about whatever the issue may have been about.

3.) With regard to the McMaster Model of Family Functioning:
Dang, there is a lot here. . . I'll touch on some of these.
- Hil and I both openly talk about our sexual needs, and are very sensitive to what we both need. We communicate openly about them, and when they aren't met, we talk at how we can change something in order to do so. We feel very comfortable with this area.
- When Hil or Blake or myself are acting down, and depressed. Someone else will step in to try and figure out why. Once the issue is brought out into the open, we discuss it and look for a solution or just provide support to let the struggling individual know they are not alone.
- Hil is very supportive of my individual development. She knows I need to follow my passions, and is supporting me while I finish up school. I am doing the same for her; being very sensative of her career path, and what is best for her. I know she won't have much of a future in Fort Wayne with her specific career field, so moving elsewhere is going to probably become a reality. We will both support each other to find the best fit.
- Kinship maintenance: Every Thursday, Hil and I have set aside a "date night." This is a good time for us to have fun and alone with each other. We are very involved with a lot of people in our lives. So, when we set aside a day for just us, it is very special.
- Basic resources. Hil is the bread winner. Simply put, she is providing so that I can finish school, etc.

4. Hil and I are definitely Traditionals. We are extremely satisfied with each other, and we fit all the roles of a happy married couple. This is so true for us because we put Christ first in our marriage and lives.

5.) Hil and I have Validating conflict types. We sometimes do disagree, but we always try to step in the shoes of the other individual. We are sensitive so disagreements don't explode into something that isn't necessary.

6.) Hil and I have open family boundaries. We pretty much have to because of our involvement with Young Life (high school ministry I work for, and Hil volunteers for). Anything can come up, and we are both ready and willing to change our schedules in order to meet that possibility.

REACTION QUESTION:

I looked at Kira Zabolotney’s family. I noticed that Kira’s mom used the affective resource. She used manipulation of her family in order to push her own needs. This is a very frightening use of power, and would not work in my family. It wouldn’t work because we communicate about our issues and whatever individual attempting to use this type of power would be questioned on it almost as soon as it happened.

Family Maintenance

Rituals:
Making the bed may fall under the “daily routines/tasks” category, but, it is so much more than just making our (Hilary & I) bedroom look good. When I leave in the morning before Hilary, which is fairly rare, she will make the bed. When this happens, it means, “Mikey I love you, and I will give you a break because I know you hate this.” But, when I make the bed, which is most of the time, it means, “Hilary, you are more important to me than any selfish stupid frustration I may have towards making the bed. I love you, and I respect you so much.”

Cooking dinner is something Hilary and I discussed way before we got married. She knows that it is important to me, I had a mom who always took pride in dinner, and it actually became important to me. When Hilary cooks dinner for me, it is almost an “intimacy expression,” because there is a deeper connection with dinner. She never cooked for herself before we got married, and now she does it for me, and she does it really well. I get deep satisfaction from it, and she does as well. I even remember one dinner she asked me, “so what do you think?” The meal was excellent and she did an amazing job, I just honestly conveyed that to her. I was slightly taken back by her response, she said, “You have no idea how good that makes me feel when you tell me how good of a job I did with the meal.” It’s a beautiful thing when we both collectively take away positive impacts from couple rituals.

Relational Currencies:
The Library: Since we have been married, and Blake (Hil’s younger brother) moved to Fort Wayne, I have had an opportunity to watch a relational currency unfold between them. It is not an overt act, and it took a little bit of interpretation at first, but then it became so clear. Hilary kept going to the library with Blake, each time they went she would come home and tell me, “You know, Blake and I just had the best time together, we had some awesome conversation.” Blake is a very introverted individual and doesn’t talk about life’s events. BUT, when they go to the library together, it is time to talk. I’ve noticed this unfold. At times, when Blake is just not in the mood to enter into a more revealing mode, he will decline Hil’s offer to go to the library, but when he feels like talking, he will quickly respond and they will go.

Nonverbal: When Hilary comes home from work and she doesn’t make eye contact with me right away, or she is more up tight in how she carries herself, I know there is a problem. The problem could be something that happened at her job, or it could be something in her head, an outside source, or something between us. But, when I notice the lack of eye contact or can sense something in her body language, this tells me, “something is not right.” She wants me to address it, sometimes I do a great job of addressing it, and other times I am too aggressive in attempting to “figure it out,” because all she really wanted was to express to me that she was in some sort of ‘funk.’

Awareness:
The Library: I believe that Hilary is very aware of what “going to the library” means, and can lead to. With respect to Blake, I think he knows that it is okay to talk at the library, but does not interact with the concept of the library being a direct connection to depth and openness in his communication with Hilary. So, I think I would have to say that there is not a shared meaning in the currency of this act. It is mostly one-sided. I just haven’t seen enough conscious awareness from Blake to think it is equally shared.

Nonverbal: I know that there is definitely a shared meaning in our currency of nonverbal behavior from Hilary. She knows I will react, and I know it means something is going on. It wouldn’t ever escape me, and I wouldn’t ever ‘not notice it.’ How I respond to it may slightly change based on how big of a deal I saw it as being, but essentially we are both on the same page. And it isn’t a matter of poor communication; it is about her desiring to feel cared about and noticed by me. It is actually a great opportunity for me to love her, and for her to be loved. Thankfully though, it doesn’t happen very often. ;-)

Reaction Question

I chose to look at Matt Taylor's ritual of asking his family members how their day went. At first when I looked at how he explained this, I initially thought, "that's not really that big of a deal, it is a question people ask each other all the time." But, then I got to thinking about it. I believe there may be some depth do this. Because it honestly does show concern and love I believe, to honestly take the time every time you see your family member to ask how their day went, or is going. I love this ritual of taking an active role in the lives of the people you love. It is such a simple act, yet, with consistency and honesty, it can really show love and allow for deeper connection to take place.

initial PROJECT

responding to N.Y. Times Article and Peer webpages

1.) My definition of a family: “A family is a group of individuals who consistently interact in each other’s lives, who serve as a support system and benefit in some way by going through life together.”

2.) What makes a family is completely contingent on who specific individuals are interacting with on a regular basis. The boundaries for Laura and Jennifer, when they were younger, were formed by their connectedness as sisters. As they formed their new families and became even more interconnected, their relationship changed. The boundaries are now based on the decision that Laura is Mallory’s mother, and Jennifer is her aunt. However, when the children are at home, sometimes Jamison calls Mallory his sister, but at school she is his cousin. Through the lens of the systems perspective, this changing of names within different environments is explained through the idea of calibration. Jamison recognizes that at home it is okay to call Mallory his sister, but the boundary has been set that while he is at school, she ought to be called his cousin. The family has adjusted to it, and boundary ‘norm’ is set in place. At the end of the article, we can see how the little kindergartner boy stood up for the fact that he had a sister, thereby ‘reflecting’ or better yet, reinforcing the boundary his mother must have set regarding his sperm donor. This shows how just speaking about certain topics and/or ideas can start to form family boundaries. When I look at fellow student, Camie Purvis’s understanding of boundaries is that they are formed by the parent’s. I agree with this to an extent, the only thing I would add is that as well as parent’s serving as boundary formers, the narrative aspect pops into my mind again. Even if children just talk about things amongst themselves, let’s say for instance, at school during recess. They will eventually start to grasp ideas from other children. Now, boundaries could start to form based simply on hearing other narratives from other children.

3.) When I want to understand what happens when definitions of families clash, I try to look at it with the systems perspective of equifinality. I think this is essential in trying to understand that it is okay when definitions clash. When I look at the webpage my classmate Stacy Rhodes posted, I clearly see that her definition of family says, “[a]n alliance formed generally by blood.” Right away I disagree with her on several different levels. First, for me personally; my sister and I are both adopted. There is no blood between us or our parent’s. Yet we are very much a family. And in the article, Sue and Bob Battel have naturally conceived children, sperm donor children, AND adopted children. Yet, they still very much consider themselves a family. While I disagree with Stacy’s definition of family, I can also see that equifinality teaches us that a particular final state, or in this case a family, can be achieved from many different starting points. And with regard to Ms. Williams & Ms. Ashmore, it helps me to look through the broad lens of relational dialectics when I am trying to understand the struggle they went through in trying to come to an understanding on how they would talk about their children’s relationship to one another. In chapter 3, relational dialectical theory clearly shows us that it is out of the struggle of opposing discourses (the two sisters not knowing how to explain their children’s relationship) that meanings emerge. It is the struggle that eventually brought the idea that it is okay to call each other brother and sister in the home, but not okay out in public; this is referred to as segmentation under the relational dialectical theory.