today was much better

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBC_KNI7qv0 This is rigidly funny!

Okay, so after I was done feeling bad for myself last night, I fell asleep and stayed asleep until 2:00 p.m. today. Lemme tell you, it felt great. All today, I was in high spirits, and I dunno, I felt content with waiting. Waiting for snow so I can work. (snow removal) Waiting for a Stem cell transplant, so I can live a normal life. And waiting for someone to come into my life who likes what they see, and wants to be my life companion. (girlfriend)

Seriously, I was very content today. It's really easy to do too. The first and most important step you have to take is pray. After you pray, you have to trust that he will provide. I think that is the hardest part, and the step most people struggle with. I think people, excuse me, Christians can pray with some what ease. It's when we have to trust that God will provide that strikes as a huge task. I think the mindset goes as follows..... "Okay I am unhappy, the bible tells me to pray, ok I will do what the bible says, because the pastor at church says so." And I think for most people that is enough. Well, I pray now, and know God will answere. He always does, definitely not on my time schedule. But he always provides. Therefore, I wait. I don't wait with a really anxious feeling of discontent. I wait knowing that my God is much much bigger than my worldly issues. If I believe in my heart that Christ parted the Red Sea. Then of course I will, “with out a doubt” believe he will take care of my anxious mind. It’s like that.

There is nothing wrong with feeling down once in a while.
That is a part of sin.
And sin is a part of life.

Figuered it out!!!

Got IT!!! i figuered out what can bring me out of the slums i have been struggling in lately. I was watching a t.v. show on the history channel about Revelations, or the end of times. I just thought about how absloutly amazing HEAVEN is going to be. WOW, that one cheers me right up, almost makes me excited. That alone is some serious motovation to........well to be a disciple of Christ. Great, i am lovin it. ;+)

Gimme a break

Okay, i did not like today. To be perfectly honest i am feeling really down. It's like my whole life is on "pause" for this Stem-Cell transplant. I was almost gettin a lil depressed. It's like this. If i had my way I would definately not be living with my parents in Fort Wayne. Now, i am treated like a king in this house, i have everything i could ever want, and then some. But you know the old saying, "home is where the heart is?" Well, my heart is not here. My heart isn't even in this state. I need to be on my own, i need to experience life at my own pace. I got pretty down today, not like scary depressed, like I wanna go smoke a joint kinda feeling. As soon as i felt that urge, i prayed. It worked, but i still don't want to be here. Pretty much i am just having a pitty party. Who knows what God has in sotore for me. I mean really, i know it will be crazy. It always is. He never lets me down. ;+)

my eyes hurt

Wow, you wanna talk aobut commitment? So what, i do. Okay, so i have been working on this movie i started when i got back from Vegas. I took all the still pictures, and all the video files, and have put them all in a format that my computer can recognize. It is such a daunting task, copy print, clip, listen, rewind, save............and so on and so forth. It is so tedious. But, in the end i hope that it will all come together really well, and i can send DVD's to my buddies, and we can pop it in anytime we need a reminder of how much fun we had. Last night i almost had a break down. I have been working on this stupid thing for what seems an eternity. Last night, or this morning after like a 4 hour stretch, the screen acted up, and everything went green:-() ....... ........... I laughed at first, then buried my head in the pillow and screamed explicit words. But, i am cought back up to where i had it, and that is really good. I am smiling today, and i guess i'm doin alright. The sun's still shining when i close my eyes.......................

the frustration continues.

I get so worked up inside. Okay, so I am kind of frustrated with my circumstance right now. Not even that I have m/s, just that I have to live at home and be very unsatisfied. Like, right now my life is kind of in limbo. This is why: I have a very aggressive form of multiple sclerosis. And because of that, I can either keep on the medication that isn’t working, or I can get this stem cell transplant. Either way there are no promises. But here is the hard part. I feel like I am friggin stuck at home. I want nothing more than to be out of my parents house. I had a taste of freedom, and I loved it. I mean I royally screwed it up, but I loved being out of the house and making my own decisions. I feel like I can’t leave the house because if I do, then some how I will lose my dads insurance, then I can’t pay for the medicine’s that aren’t working. Are you starting to see why I am so frustrated inside? Also, when something bothers me, it really effects more than one aspect of my life. The more I stress out about stuff, the worse my M/S gets. Living at home is like a double edge sword. Ahhhh! It is all simple stupid stuff, things I know god can take care of. I just need to wine. Poor me. Ok, I feel a little better now.

still got that feeling.

Man, this frustration thing has got to stop. Okay, I come from a home where i have always been extremely loved, and taken care of 10 fold. That isn't why i am so frustrated. I just don't belong in Fort Wayne. I am looking for an out, but i know i am stuck here untill the transplant, then 8-12 months after that. Part of me wants to fold his arms and yell THATS NOT FAIR! Then the other part of me says, hey stupid, why don't you just trust that God has everything in control. Once i realize that, and then i look to my past and see all the other absloutly amazing things God has blessed me with, I wake up with a smile. It's really true, With God, the good always out weighs the bad. At lease if you really got him in your heart, and you trust him with every aspect of that heart. See, all i had to do is write it down in my "blog" and boom, i am smiling again, ;+)

Wait, now that i am back to a normal "i'm in Fort Wayne, IN. state of mind" I am kind of frustrated again. It's so easy to not trust God. Now, i didn't say trusting God is heard, i just said it's so easy not to trust him. It is so simple to make up excuses for why we are unhappy. It's odd pathetic really. God has done so much in my life. God has done everything in my life. I mean some of the things these eyes have seen are pretty incredible. And i can get cought up in the moment of, selfishness. I always try to make it all about me. like a baby i cry out; common god, what are you doing. I question him constantly. I really need to work on that. Cuz, actually, everytime i do trust him over my own instinct, i am much much happier. I don't need the things i long for. All i really need to do is trust God. And really, if you do trust god with everything, you get what you want. And truely think about what is waiting for you. If you are a Christian, when you get through the struggle of life, you have heaven waiting for you. In the bible, God teaches us that he createc us to worship him. Ya see, we were created to love Christ. So no matter what happens, if you can just keep talking yourself into trusting him every day for the rest of your human life, man will you have a good life. No matter what. You could have 1 eye, 1 leg, and no arms, and still be able to love life every day. God is so powerful and amazing, he can turn the most horrible and horrific things into blessings. It sounds crazy, but it really isn't. In my head right now i am telling myself over and over again. It's not crazy mikey, it really isn't, nothing is crazy about trusting God. kindness, and favor. It is derived from a word that means to bend or stoop in kindness to an inferior, with the purpose of bestowing favor. the old testament defines grace as kindness, and favor. It is derived from a word that means to bend or stoop in kindness to an inferior, with the purpose of bestowing favor.

I have one other thing on my mind. I'm confused, God brought this person into my life, and ever sense then, he has been allowing the most amazing things to happen. I mean really mind twisting circumstances. I know God is in it, but…………..but there are so many unanswered questions. I know I need to trust him. Sometimes, I just need to vocalize my thoughts. thankyou blog

easy going.

So, today was pretty chill. Not much on the agenda. I was a little frustrated earlier, i think because i am just in a waiting period. There isn't much i can do at this point to be proactive about the stem cell transplant. It is pretty much up to the "big wigs" to decide. I know it sounds stupid, or foolish, but i almost the insurance company would just say NO WAY IN HELL ARE WE GOING TO COVER IT! That way i could take off, metaphorically speaking. I need something to do. I get so friggin bord at home. I believe this may be a test in patience? Not horribly sure, but i am okay with it. I don't really have much to talk about. I went to my friend Bruce's house this evening, he gave me a really cool software program that i can make a pretty cool movie with. That will be real fun.

M/S Update:
There is really no new news. I was having some kind of "flair up" yesterday, but it was pretty insignificant. pray pray pray.